COURT JESTERINGS

With h brown

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

Court Jester loves The Daly Show

The 'You-Tube' Presidency!

Talk about mother-f**king reality TV!

November 10, 2006

By h. Brown

Writing political columns is lots like making sausages; you really don't want to see all the things that go into them. I mean, every day our elected officials spill it out there for us.

Brains and guts and excrement and hair and crushed bones.

And, those of us who cover them, happily blend it all together, add a little coloring to make it uniform, a bit of seasoning to offset the worst undertones and serve it to you with sunny-side-up eggs for breakfast.

Well, the days since this past Tuesday's election have been a positive overload and just this once I've called in Eileen Left to walk with me on a tour through Court Jester's own Sausage Salon.

Eileen: "I swear to God, if you say anything bad about Sarah Low, I'll kick your ass. What the hell are those headlines about?"

Jester: "Hey, c'mon, I love the Daly's, I'm just trying to figure out how to spin this shit best."

Eileen: (angry, sorts through notes spread around computer which is on an unfinished door atop two saw horses - that and 2 chairs are the only furniture in the room)

"You're more disorganized than the Department of Elections! (sorts scraps of papers from Jester's pockets and starts to read) Explain these to me as I read them and how you're going to 'spin' (sarcastically) them."

"Tomorrow's couple today!"

Jester: (nods anxiously - he can deal with this kind of brainstorming)

"I was thinking of Alix Rosenthal and Steven Jones. (gestures) You know, the new wave
couple thing and how Chris and Sarah and Steven and Alix are part of the same powerful
Gen X demographic that's going to save the world and start by being honest with their looks and opinions and the like."

San Francisco Bay Guardian's Steve Jones, former District 8 supervisor candidate Alix Rosenthal (center) and Kat Steinmetz from Kepi and Kat.

Eileen: (slightly shrugs shoulders in partial agreement)

"But, Chris and Sarah are like 'Ozzie and Harriet compared to Steven and Alix. (her voice trails off) Still, ... OK, that might not be too bad.

"What other couples you got?"

Jester: (shuffles through more notes, picks up folded paper and reads as he unfolds)

"Willie Brown and Carpentier? Hell, he gave her a million bucks commission just during his runoff with Ammiano for throwing parties on his behalf? Well, I guess that's one way of describing your relationship with your mistress."

Willie Brown has a particular appreciation for blondes and white wine.

Eileen: (looks down at him typing - she sneers like he's a slug)

"It's shit like that, that keeps you on welfare! Leave Willie alone. There's a kid involved there and Willie's done right by them. Give me another one."

Jester: (plucks another scrap of paper)

"Yeah! How about when Gavin's wife went on national TV and told everyone he was hung like a horse?"

Eileen: (nods appreciatively and looks at another page of notes)

"What's this? You actually got comments from these people on Sarah's defense of her hubby?"

Jester: (grabs em and reads)

"Yeah, yeah. I called the Governator and he was real friendly. That kind of surprised me. Read what he said about Low calling the GGRA 'mother fuckers'."

The Guvinator and the Gavinator discuss male human anatomy (at length) and the Sarah Low Daly video.

(Eileen giggles as she reads)

Ahhrnold: (smiling broadly as he watches You Tube video)

"Yah, yah, dats vat I um talkin about all of duh time. Zheee is zo hot becuz zhe is sum kinda mix. Lookut dat. Cun I get uh copy ov dis?"

Jester: (nodding and encouraged by her laughter)

"Here's one from Ross Mirkarimi."

Ross: (smiling at camera)

"The best part about being me is that I'm always learning wonderful new things about myself.'"

Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi

Eileen: (shakes head)

"He didn't say that!! And, you drink this guy's booze and flirt with his girlfriend?"

Jester: (ignoring her and reading on)

"And I kept on calling celebrities for advice and I reached Courtney Love and look what she said:

Love: "I'm gonna fly right out there to teach Sarah how to be a proper punk parent and
I'm gonna bring Madonna and Angelina Jolie and we're gonna adopt a couple of hobo
kids off the streets of the Tenderloin. ... "

Eileen: (amazed) "Can't they take you instead?"

Jester: (shrugs) "I can't go to New York cause you can't sleep in Central Park anymore. (goes on reading) Here, here, I went to the 'Draft Matt' website and it's now all about starting a petition to Recall Pelosi and replace her with Matt. But, apparently, Matt doesn't know anything about it."

Eileen: (shakes head) "Let it go, dipshit. Past is passed. You called Tom Foley?"

Jester: (cocks head slightly and winces a bit) "Yeah, see what he said when I played the tape?"

Foley: "Oh yess. Oh yessss! Oh yessssss!! Don't stoppppp!!!!!"

Eileen: (draws back from recording) "I don't see why anyone would want to go to Congress."

Jester: (another notation) "I described the situation to a few people down at La Colonial and got some great reactions:

Dede Wilsey: "All of duh bust peeple hav bad reputayshunss deeuhhh."

Diane Buchanan Wilsev

Frank Jordan: "Do you have any of Chris naked with DJ's?"

Frank Jordon

Stanlee Gatti: "Do you have any of Gavin naked with anyone?"

Terance Allen: 'I'm opening a new club called Abu Grahib. It's a kind of an S&M thing where everyone gets tortured and lays around on the floor in naked piles.'"

Terrance Allen

Eileen: (mouth slightly open) "How in the hell do you get by with this?"

Jester: (considers while twisting neck slightly to release tension)

"Well, while it is true that there's been a lot of pressure for me to resign, I simply can't do that because I don't have a job."

In collusion:

Sarah Low is a marvelous human being. A great wife and perfect mother. She's also a modern hellcat feminist who'll fight tooth and nail for her man and her family. Her speech at Chris' victory party Tuesday night said it all. This new breed of feminist political mate is lots closer to Hillary Clinton than they are to Laura Bush.

"The Daly victory party was kind of like a combination wedding reception and gang meeting being thrown by the Green Party in a bowling alley."

Salon is 1-3pm today in usual space.

h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h@ludd.net.

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