COURT JESTERINGS

With h brown

Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

Court Jester bestows 6th Annual Bulldog Awards

By h. brown

January 25, 2007

Wanna hear mixed emotions? Yesterday, I heard a rooster crow to greet the morning from U.N. Plaza. God, there's something so grounding about hearing a rooster in the morning. But here, obviously, this particular rooster was not in the right place to joyfully announce the morn. I instantly named him, 'Saddam'.

So, my number one award for bravery, art and chutzpah in the face of certain death goes to the rooster in the back of the truck in U.N. Plaza who called to wake me up and tell me that as of now, the ball is in my court.

Most politically influential publications

1. San Francisco Bay Guardian

If there was ever a publication begging to be supplanted, it is the San Francisco Bay Guardian. Unfortunately for us, they are still number one of Bay Area progressive publications. More balding hippies carry their Election Day crib sheet into polls than any other rag. Plus, a couple of weeks ago, Tim Redmond called POTUS a "prick". That's progress of sorts, I guess.

2. Fog City Journal

Luke's a prude, but that's just my opinion. I'd use that great ability with a camera to shoot a publication that was at least half porn. But, then again, that's just me. Luke has the Bulldog's key attributes for a successful publication. Access, interest, knowledge and insight. Daniela Kirshenbaum wrote the best two local political columns in town and Angela Alioto opened the new year with a piece questioning the independence of the mainstream press. Always the best pictures in town but, lighten up, Luke … coming up on your one year anniversary and you've only published one delectable nipple?

3. SFist

Funny, charming, devotedly indifferent. They remind me of Charles Kalish's cat, Cool Guy. When I get a break in my busy day (read: when I wake up in a stupor and need to get my bearings) … I flash over to SFist which updates posts 24/7. I thought they'd be a Newsom cover but it ain't so. All they need is a geezer dating service to be perfect.

Best political writers

1. Eileen Left

Every town needs at least a few sexy amalgams. Eileen is everywhere. She's blunt, promiscuous and fearless. She has worked for every mayor since Moscone and still is barely 40. Or, is it barely 50?

Sexy amalgam Eileen Left

2. Randy Shaw

The guy was a personal friend of Adam and Eve, for God's sake! While his content is forever weighed by his own economic agenda, he's otherwise fair and compassionate and the breadth of his knowledge is unmatched in the area press. We are fortunate that he writes a 5 times weekly column. (beyondchron.com)

3. Matt Smith

He's lost a step. Seems nuts at times. Hasn't got a clue about the nature of the Board of Supervisors which he marginalizes to a frightening level. But, this guy is brilliant. He can see yesterday, today and tomorrow as one multi-valved heart fed by money, greed and bigotry. Or, whatever else is there. When he's right, no one else comes close. (Matt.smith@bozo.com) OK, that's not his email but he's bounced my mail to him for years, so I took a shot. He's SFWeekly's ace in the hole.

Best local political minds

1. Marc Salomon

Sometimes toys with his kill (and, it can be you) but you always learn when you ask him something. He does not suffer fools kindly. I know, I know, that's redundant. But, if you go talk to him and get cored, don't say you weren't warned. Twice.

Marc Salomon, aka Chicken McGreen

2. Mike Farrah

The insider's insider. He not only knows everyone. He also knows what everyone thinks. And, what they'll think about anything you might ask. And, how they'll react to what you say about something they think about how you might wonder about what they might say or do or pretend. Those are marketable skills.

Mike "Whiskers" Farrah and son, Finnegan.

3. Sylvia Johnson

Is definitely a secret government project. I suspect that she is related to Jake McGoldrick in some way. Cryptic. Mysterious. Languidly indecipherable. How can this woman not be a department head in the Newsom administration?

Sylvia Johnson

Hottest political couple

1. Sarah Low Daly and her husband

They're both still washing the blood out of their clothes from the battle of Mount BOMA in which they slaughtered many. They're hot. They're good looking. They're young. They're fertile. They are the new San Francisco.

Sarah and Chris Daly

2. Evelyn Nieves and Biff Mirkarimi

Evelyn's gotta be paying off some serious gambling debt by living with Ross for a decade. No doubt her family is being held hostage somewhere in a cave. Let's throw a fundraiser for the girl!

3. Rich Hillis and Michelle Ruggles

"Be fruitful and multiply." Thus, sayeth the Lord (Bevan Dufty misunderstood). Anyway … I can't say anything bad about these guys. They're my good friends and they extended our City family with their twins, Maggie and Liam. Farrah added his first young un' to the Hall and Luke Thomas added twins Rachael and Elsa. Adriel Hampton's newest, Hero, is doing well after a tough start. My first grandson, Wesley was a year old New Year's day.

"Daddy, that flash strobe thingy is so cool!"
The adorable Rachael and Elsa Thomas-McAllister.

Hey, we had a good year in the City. The boss was always drunk or out of town or we were. As far as I know, no one shot at me. All my tests came back negative including the one for my birth certificate. It could have been a lot worse. I could be the poor little kid downstairs from Rob Anderson who got a bike for Christmas.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike.

Go for a piece.

h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h@ludd.net.

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