COURT JESTERINGS

With h. brown

San Francisco mayoral candidate, h. "Court Jester" Brown.
Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

Court Jester reviews his fitness campaign,
Julian Davis dramz
and the 7th Mayoral Debate

By h. brown

September 30, 2007

Best lines of the week

"I can find so many lawyers to sue you!"
Julian Davis

"Count me in."
Mike powers offers to partner on Press Club

"I got your back, h.."
Salonite offers to rescue me

"Go to Gary Danko's and invite me."
Salomon and Daniel's message to Chris Cummings

Friday just passed 5 hours ago and it was a good one. I left the Temple Bar at 10:30pm or so when Kenny the Clown got tossed out for riding down the middle of the place on a skateboard while juggling flaming torches. Hey, you expect better conduct from a member of the 2007 San Francisco Mayoral Collaborative. Or, do you?

Kenny the Clown takes his juggling flame act to the streets
following his ejection by Temple Bar staff.
At least he's smart enough to perform his act next to a street fire alarm.

If juggling fire isn't spectacular enough,
the entertaining clown adds a skateboard to his repertoire.

Believe me, lots happened before Kenny 'flamed' out and even by my standards it was lots of action sandwiched within 12 hours or so. It started with a jog to the Marina.

Tourists hold hands

Half of my friends are dying from this and that. The rest of my friends are dying from something else. You are too, but you won't admit it. Anyway, that's what's happening and I have started to take my health and personal safety more seriously. Watching your friends fall by the wayside can have a very therapeutic effect. Hey, it got me back to walking and now, a little jogging to unclog the arteries to try and get a return wink from an occasional pretty jogger (it is happening).

So, a couple of months ago I started walking and doing low grade stretching and exercises and I planned my Training Course to pass through Fisherman's Wharf, and then on some days, all the way to Golden Gate Bridge.

It's a different feeling down there, San Franciscans. If you're anything like me, you get lost in your 'job' with eating and television and the computer, and you forgot why you came here in the first place.

There's nothing like a long walk along the Bay from Fisherman's Wharf to the Ocean to remind you. So many, many people come from all over the world to be here and they save their money and borrow on their credit cards and do months or longer of workouts to look good, and then they get a tan and they try to create or rekindle or celebrate or indulge … in every kind of love from innocent flirtation to hard-core sado-masochism. And, they hold hands and buy small plastic models of cable cars. God, I love this town.

I watch it all and when I can't participate for one reason or another, I write down what I see. Tourists are fun is what I'm saying. Not that I'd want my daughter to marry one.

But, seriously, there's nothing like spending a few hours winding, first through the tourists who appreciate the views more than you'll ever be able to again. They're the show now. They pause for every view in Aquatic Park and on the Hill in Fort Mason where some of the best shots of the Bridge can be had. They hug the shoreline and you pass them as they gaze at the small craft harbor and the 'better read' of the lot turn and look over to the Marina Safeway where Armisted Maupin claims anyone can get laid just by just picking the right vegetables and smiling (read 'Tales of the City').

I jogged every bit of the flat sections of my 'Course I' (U.N. Plaza to Marina Green exercise area - where ex-cons and fitness coaches dazzle intense widows and post-partum mommas are trying to find their abs) … jogged every flat surface for the first time and watched the time it takes to go from my door at 44 McAllister to Walt Stack's exercise apparatus cut from 70 minutes, all the way down to 40.

Joe Lynn was right. How often do you hear that? He was right that by pushing myself, I was not allowing my wonderful and powerful leg muscles enough time to heal and build. Hmmm. OK, he didn't say that about my old busted up body, but he warned me to slow down and make my workouts enjoyable instead of torture.

Anyway, I did the run there with no pain and worked hard on upper body stretching and worked for a half hour until the mist/rain drove me back toward U.N. Plaza. I'm stoked. Whole new way of working out that I'd never considered. 'No pain no gain' has always been an adopted practice and it may be wrong. Then, I went to meet my buddy Daniel for lunch where Julian Davis had made a pretty direct threat (in my mind) to assault me.

Julian Davis is a lying, opportunistic ingrate

Mark Leno is one smart operator. He's able to create such phenomena as 'off-site inclusionary housing' and 'out-of-town PG&E controlled in-town solar power' and, in his spare time, he corrupts young politicos like Julian Davis. It is sad to watch.

Now, Mark will tell you that he didn't fire Julian Davis. No, he just told him that he was going to give his job to someone else and that Julian could go take unemployment until it was time to go on welfare. That's not really firing someone is it?

So, I took up Julian's cause and I told Leno that if he didn't get Julian a new job, I'd blast the hell out of Leno's campaigns for the State Senate next year and Mayor in 2011. Mark heard loud and clear.

Thus, it didn't surprise me when Julian emailed me to invite me to a party where he won some kind of executive director job from Rob Black (who was instead given a VP job with the Downtown Chamber of Commerce) and that he was having a party to celebrate.

Leno intercepted me as I was leaving the party and said: "See h., I told you I'd get Julian a job." Hey, no matter what Julian does, I owe Leno now in some shape or fashion. All well and good, huh?

Naw, it's not. Wish it were, but it's not.

Most of my friends work for the City in one department or agency or another. That will happen to you if you're a political reporter. Most of them agree with the policies of the particular boss they serve but they never attack me for disagreeing with them. In fact, they've helped me stay housed and fed over the last few years. And, I never got any of them their job.

My point is that I got Davis his window-dressing job and he turned around and bit the hand that fed him. That's bad. Really bad. Inexcusable, really. To the point where I had to make certain there were strong young men present to defend me if he physically attacked me at my weekly Salon. How pitiful.

A ruffled Julian Davis takes his carne with brown outside La Reinas,
the venue for brown's weekly Salon luncheon.

Davis lays out his grievances with brown.

The argument continues while Tony DeRenzo films everyone getting indigestion.

And, as he left Friday, he threatened to come back to Salon anytime he thought that I had written a 'lie' about him.

I have never written a lie about Julian Davis. He accuses me of lying about him, but cannot list a single 'lie.' His performance mystifies me and he claims to represent a group of my "friends." Like, 'Cat' (who ceaselessly emails me though I've disconnected her months ago) is supposed to be my friend?

Enough on that. We'll let the video speak for itself.

The bottom line is that I'm not afraid of this guy and I can't believe that my first direct physical threat comes from someone like him, and not the cops or the mayor or Donald Fisher. Worst yet, when Julian asked what I'd do, I told him I might seek a restraining order and he laughed a huge laugh and said that the police would never protect me.

He is right and that makes me very frightened. How do you deal with someone who is young and strong and unrestrained when the police will not protect you?

7th SF Mayoral Collaborative Debate

We had eight of the fourteen candidates present. Seven had paid the entry fee and are also invited to the League of Women contest on October 11th at the Main Library in Koret Auditorium at 6pm (Gavin will try and pack the house, so come early).

Bob Brigham, who works for Leno (is there an echo in here?), cleared it with his 'editor' at Calitics (Mark's online presence) and agreed to moderate the encounter.

It was fabulous. The guy actually made the candidates think. He asked stuff like: "You've been debating each other for 7 weeks, what is the best idea you have heard from a fellow candidate?"

Newsom defector political strategist Bob Brigham moderated the 7th Mayoral Debate minus, of course, the attendance of his lordship Mayor Gavin Newsom...

... who ordered the people's car parked at the side entrance of City Hall
lest he be photographed dodging a golden opportunity
to prove he's not afraid of free speech, democracy or mayor's question time.

Even Grasshopper slowed down to answer with smoke pouring out of his ears in the effort. I went for Josh Wolf's idea of having parties in each of the 11 supervisor neighborhoods to drain off the million or so revelers who normally focus on the Castro of late. I wanted to talk about Harold Hoogasian's real honest-to-goodness big time subway that will be there for hundreds of years and take cars off the street, but Harold won't come because Grasshopper smokes pot in the park (and, so do I) and so I only mention it here (great idea, Harold).

Grasshopper Alec Kaplan entertains h brown
who couldn't resist dancing to Kaplan's original compositions.

The hits of the party (I mean, 7th Weekly Candidates Collaborative Forum under Gavin's balcony) … most popular new arrivals were Mike Powers from the Power Exchange on Otis Avenue, and John Wildermuth from the Chronicle.

Powers is lots of fun. He said he showed up just to buy us a beer at our After Party but he got a shot at the microphone and was fabulous. Between Mike with his tall top hat and Kenny the Clown with his giant purple wig, Grasshopper faded into the backround. George Davis was too cold to get naked and he didn't even bother to wear his nudist apron. We're getting to be a comfortable old family in front of City Hall on Fridays.

One person thanked me for the idea of having these forums in the Town Square. It was Josh's idea. Sometimes the loudest voice gets the most attention, but the idea was Josh's.

From left to right: Debate moderator Bob Brigham, candidates Michael Powers, Lonnie Holmes, Ahimsa Sumchai, Kenny the Clown Kahn, h. brown, Josh Wolf, George Davis
and Grasshopper Alec Kaplan.

The After Party

I rode over to the Temple Bar in Mike Powers' mobile advertising 'America's Naughtiest Night Spot' car (something like that) and we talked about the nightclub business 'cause that's essentially what he runs and I used to have one before he was born.

h. brown attempts to tempt the untemptable
before taking a ride in Power's naughtiest sex machine.

I pushed my idea for resurrecting an SF Press Club and Mike said he'd back it in his location. Hey, it gave me pause, but it's a great idea. You couldn't call it by the old name. Maybe something like 'h. brown's SF Press Club'?

Powers is cool. He makes Barry Bonds look like a scrawny teenager and he likes to party. John Wildermuth interviewed everyone and went over to Temple Bar with us where Mike bought the first 4 pitchers of beer (and others after) and Wildermuth insisted on buying one ("on Phil Bronstein") and then Bob Brigham tossed in a couple on Mark Leno (this guy's relentless and you gotta admire that).

San Francisco Chronicle political-beat scribe, John Wildermuth (far right).

The couple of hours I spent at Temple Bar are a pleasant blur. I recall thousands of bicyclists celebrating the 15th anniversary of Critical Mass streaming by in the light rain, and Kenny the Clown igniting his torch/batons to juggle in their midst while Lonnie Holmes held up a 'Holmes for Mayor' sign in the middle of the street and freaked out the Critical Massers who are used to usually freaking out others.

Lonnie Holmes may have picked up a thousand votes for his campaign for mayor
simply holding up his campaign sign for all the Critical Massers to see
as they whizzed by. Holmes' wife, Paris (right), helps her hubby in the effort.

The wheels of progress keep on turning.

Hey dude, where are you going with that road cone?

Two fired up candidates add a metaphorical statement about collaboration.

I liked Powers right away. He's an alpha person and so am I. He's a young one and I'm an old one - you tend to recognize each other by species or something. I really hope we do put together a bar inside his Power Exchange. Wow. I mean, think about it.

That got me to thinking back to earlier in the day when we'd watched Julian exit our Salon and we went to talking about something really important to this 'fag hag's' posse. Food.

A good meal is a memory

I've been listening to people who weren't even there, relive the great meal I shared with my daughter, Mona, and her guy at the Foreign Cinema on Mission going on a month ago. I honestly didn't realize a meal could take that long to digest.

My foodie friends have been going nuts about the experience for a month. Marc Salomon, who grows lots of his vegetables in his tiny SOMA back yard, wants to show Chris Cummings the 'best restaurant' in San Francisco which he says is Gary Danko's. Daniel Cohen, my best friend - and a real French food savant - said that after 30 years or so here, he had no idea which is the best restaurant because he's never been to any of the high-end places. Wow again.

This column is way long and it started and is ending in the dark. Up the street, the Love Festival (Allen's public baby) bangs along with heavy bass lines as I wrap it up to head over to see Jens.

I'd like to back it up on Julian Davis, but I can't. What I'm writing is accurate, and that's regrettable. I hope things don't get worse on that front and I honestly don't understand why.

Enjoy San Francisco.

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h. brown is a 62 year-old keeper of sfbulldog.com, an eclectic site featuring a half dozen City Hall denizens. h is a former sailor, firefighter, teacher, nightclub owner, and a hard-living satirical muckraker. Email h at h@ludd.net.

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