Court Jester responds
to Chronicle editorial board questionnaire

Mayoral candidate h. brown
Photo(s) by Luke Thomas

October 3, 2007

Dear Harold Brown:

As part of our endorsement process, we are asking each of the candidates for mayor to give us your assessment of the issues facing San Francisco. Four years ago (on Sept. 28, 2003), we offered our list of "Ten Ways to Improve San Francisco."

As we approach this year's election, our editorial board is revisiting that list to determine how much progress has been made in each of the areas we identified - and whether new issues have emerged as potential priorities. We want to hear what the candidates for mayor regard as the state of the city and their visions for improving it.

On behalf of the Chronicle Editorial Board, I would like to ask you to fill out this two part questionnaire. Please be as succinct as possible: We intend to post your answers at SFGate.com for voters to review.

1. Please offer your assessment on the state of the 10 issues identified in our Sept. 28, 2003 editorial. (You can find it at www.sfgate.com/ZBAP. Our "Ten Ways" list of 2003 included:

- Streamline the city's government.

Answer: Move all the pretty girls to the front of the room. Well, that didn't work out too well for Gavin, did it? Now that he's surrounding himself with ugly women, he's doing much better. I plan to hire pretty young gay boys and bull dykes. With no distractions I'll be able to concentrate better.

- Create an ethical climate.

Answer: Always give a receipt for your bribes and keep a copy for yourself. Don't screw the staff and if you do, never admit it. Be presidential.

- Care, not politics (homelessness).

Answer: Poor people like to move a lot and sleep under the stars. The mayor has been successful at keeping about two thousand of them outdoors by keeping the shelters rude, crude and dangerous. Keeping them moving should be no problem as there are over 10,000 cops, deputies and security guards in San Francisco. That's enough to have 5 cops following each homeless person. Make being poor as miserable an experience as possible and everyone will soon be rich.

- Reform the police department.

Answer: With Greg Corrales and Barry Bonds retiring in the same year, the town doesn't have a heavy hitter for the first time in almost 30 years. To right this imbalance, the department should recruit only in weight rooms where steroid use is highest.

- Help our public schools.

Answer: The teachers and staff should be allowed to form gangs to counter the student gangs. The NRA has pushed a similar proposal and the idea seems sound. If they know you're packing, discipline ain't no problem.

- Build more housing.

Answer: Of course. Taller buildings made of something even more fragile than glass. That's the ticket.

- Expand and enhance our parks.

Answer: Cut down all the big trees so that you can see further. That's the goal of the Natural Areas Program and it's working great in the Presidio. With all the non-native Monterey Pines and 100 year old Cypress wind blocks removed, walking down there on a windy day is just like being in a Sahara windstorm.

- Pay more attention to detail.

Answer: Is there something of value I haven't already given to Don Fisher?

- Stop demonizing business.

Answer: You're right. Less talk and more warrants. Confiscation. One of the best things about greedy rich people is that by nature of the beast, there aren't many of them.

- Enforce our traffic laws.

Answer: With extreme prejudice, let the Blue Angels strafe traffic jams, jaywalkers and Lite beer trucks.

2. Please identify any issues that you would include on your own "Ten Ways to Improve San Francisco" list for 2007 - along with an explanation. I would encourage you to keep your responses brief, though you are welcome to include links to your Web site or other references for voters who want more detailed information.

Answer: Go to www.sfbulldog.com to see what I really think about our City government and the mayor. I've written over a thousand columns on those subjects over the past decade. Our number one problem is that the major local newspapers are all controlled by plutocrats and corporations. I spend most of my time online trying to correct the imbalance with my little column.

Back to Diaz:

Please send me your responses by e-mail (jdiaz@sfchronicle.com) or drop them off at our office (901 Mission Street) by Wednesday, Oct. 10. Once we receive your response, we will be in contact to arrange a follow-up interview.

Thanks in advance for your participation. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to call me at (415) 777-8486

John Diaz
Editorial Page Editor
San Francisco Chronicle

San Francisco Chronicle Editor John Diaz

Answer: And, thank you John and lighten up on the starch. Too much starch kills baby seals.

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