City College of San Francisco Chancellor Don Griffin.
By Judy B., guest editorial
July 1, 2009
Got a spare $6,000? Chancellor Don Griffin at City College of San Francisco suggests using it to rescue an endangered community college class. Contribute and the class will be named for you.
“If you want to pay for one class at City College, it’s $6,000,” he told the San Francisco Chronicle. “And if you designate it for that class, we’ll make sure the class is reinstated, and we’ll put your name on it.”
Disney Classics: Principles of Early Childhood Development
Current research trends into the effects of total immersion in corporate-sponsored imagination show that children learn consumer cues more quickly when they are presented as catchy tunes and sung in colorful cartoons. Students will hone their ability to craft age-appropriate propaganda disguised as jingles, songs, and fables. In lieu of writing a term paper, students may conduct market research into how to reinvigorate the princess franchise.
People Magazine Cultural Anthropology Colloquium
Prepare to “dig” into the manners and mores of America’s most famous—and infamous—people, personalities, and neighborhoods. The class will identify one sorely misunderstood Hollywood family and, after gaining the members’ trust and relevant release forms, live in situ with the clan, posting weekly status reports on Facebook and YouTube and producing a semester finale for cable TV.
The Wall Street Journal’s Theory and Practice of Money Management
This senior-level course is co-facilitated by a rotating faculty from top Wall Street banking and investment firms who will provide an overview of how to build a financial planning firm that will attain eligibility for a government bailout. A $100 supplemental tuition investment—which will at least double by the end of the term—is required.
McDonald’s: an Introduction to Nutrition
Food producers must meet the demands of ever more health-conscious consumers with targeted health information. This course outlines the basic rules of nutrition spin, by which the inconvenient truth of trans fats is recast into irresistible, market-ready meal combos. Caveat scholar: Affiliated lab work may lead to weight gain.
Monsanto’s Principles of Organic Farming
The excitement over organic and local food continues to grow, yet one key component of healthy farming has been categorically ignored: organic chemistry. Learn how to reconnect the dots between petrochemical compounds and healthy lifestyles and discover how to celebrate the beauty and perfection of synthetic ingredients.
Focus on the Family Stem-Cell Research (Lab)
Saved scientists no longer need to fret over the ethics of stem-cell research. In this cutting-edge lab, you will dissect and examine actual stems and their cells. Students who master stem-cell research may progress to examining stalks, shoots, and trunks. This course is also vegan-friendly.
Rep1ic@ R0lex Advertising Basics
The key to a consumer’s pocketbook is through his penchant for creative spellings. Learn how to intrigue more buyers and outwit their spam filters. Students will practice composing convincing-enough special offers from foreign dignitaries, software companies, and banks.
Addiction and Recovery Workshop with Θ B Î
Conventional wisdom tells us, “The more you cough, the more you get off.” Workshop participants will meet at the Theta Beta Pi House and test this assertion with the goal of mapping the subtle differences between baked, stoned, high, and gone. Through this work we will derive new definitions of addiction and proffer updated methods of recovery. Students will supplement our workshop experiments with at-home trials and will report what findings they can recall during regular meetings. A $2,000 lab fee covers the cost of all substances.
PfizerGlaxoSmithBristolLillyMerckSquibb Survey of Pharmacology
Due to the overwhelming response to the naming rights program, several sections of this course had to be added to accommodate the sponsors. Students may enroll in only one section per semester but may take the course as many times as they like. Credit is given only once, but students may partake of an unlimited supply of pens, notepads, water bottles, backpacks, watches, flashlights, pocket knives, thermometers, T-shirts, letter openers, and of course product samples. Graduating seniors have the option of taking the final or attending an NBA playoff game in the president’s box.
The Hunger Site
July 1, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Yes – my full, legal name is judy b., but I realize I’m not famous enough yet not to be questioned about it or to appear in lowercase without asking.
For an evidence trail, check my website, http://onzeproductions.com or follow me on Twitter: @jbonze
Thanks, exitstageleft for defending my honor and for your laughter and appreciation.
July 1, 2009 at 11:20 am
hopefloats — there’s nothing anonymous about this editorial — judy b. is the author’s full name. i for one found her piece quite amusing — and frightening in its plausibility.
July 1, 2009 at 10:20 am
Anyone care to explain to me how it is that I, and others, are attacked for our anonymity when posting comments, yet it is deemed perfectly acceptable when someone posts a “guest editorial” in a similar fashion? I probably wouldn’t be complaining if the guest editorial had been even remotely humorous.
July 1, 2009 at 9:07 am
Judy, you missed a couple of class offerings:
CurrentTV Basics of Overseas Journalism with emphasis on reporting in North Korea
Whole Foods Maximizing Profits in the Grocery Business, previously entitled Ripoff 101
Chris Daly’s Advanced Diplomacy Skills and Accessorizing Your Wardrobe with Beads
and…a special guest lecture, Carole Migden reads from her new book, Unsafe at Any Speed: My Years in the California Senate