London Mayor-Elect,
Boris Johnson
From Let’s Have a Bit of Fun
May 5, 2008
Newly elected London mayor Boris Johnson yesterday announced his intention to abolish the city of London “in it’s entirety.”
“What the fuck is it good for?” asked a substantially inebriated Johnson at a news conference called to celebrate his victory. “It’s just a bunch of wankers who have never inherited a pound in their lives,” Johnson said, slurring his words as he read a prepared statement.
Johnson’s plan, if enacted, would represent the first formal elimination of an urban jurisdiction in the British isles since Edward III burned the Welsh village of Lynedd Gwypp to the ground in 1353. Johnson proposed selling “the useful bits” of London to BAE, the embattled British defence contractor, because “they need a little bit of love just now.”
The remainder of the historic city would be auctioned off to “the small and medium enterprises who foolishly contributed to my quixotic campaign,” Johnson said, before expelling the contents of his lunch into a conveniently available paper sack.
“The conservative party believe that urbanization has gone quite far enough,” Johnson said as he reeled across the platform. “We must harness the reservoir of talent in this country, which resides solely in rural people possessing astonishing concentrations of wealth, or those segments of society sporting unnaturally yellow hair,” Johnson added with slightly unhinged laughter, before collapsing into the arms of an attentive and well-paid aide.
An embittered Ken Livingstone had little response to Johnson’s bold proposal, beyond repeating “fuck Gordon Brown” in an eerie monotone for several minutes. Livingstone then announced his intention to “work with the insufferable Tony Blair” to introduce a “congestion tax” in Baghdad as a method to combat Iraq’s apparently insoluble insurgency.
“If terrorists are required to pay an additional charge to enter the city’s center, they will settle for blowing up persons in the suburbs,” Livingstone explained. “This will constitute a significant advance in the war on Arabs … er … I mean terror.”
American president George Bush welcomed Johnson’s victory.
“Thank God there is an elected official somewhere on the planet who’s dumber than I am,” Bush observed. “We’ve already intiated discussions with London’s new administration on the advantages of waterboarding as a law enforcement technique,” Bush added.
“I understand there’s a river somewhere near London with a bunch of water that could be used for this purpose,” Bush noted. “In Texas, we call that ‘lucky.’ “
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